Brooklyn House Magician's Manual Read online

  Step 4: Hair we go again!

  Are you burdened with thick, manageable hair free of dandruff, split ends, and knots? Don’t despair. Solutions are as easy as tease, chop, and tangle! To get the snarled effect, hold sections of hair upright and comb toward the scalp. Want to rock a no-maintenance ’do? Chop or shave off random clumps with dull scissors or clippers and avoid hair products. For a quick fix, insert gum deep into your tresses and knead thoroughly. And don’t forget to top off your look with a gigantic multicolored bow or slogan trucker cap!

  Psst! Never underestimate the stomach-turning power of lice. Pass it on!

  Step 5: Express yourself.

  If you find yourself in a troubling situation—chased by demons, say—remember: don’t turn that frown upside down. Contort it into a scowl, a grimace, or a snarl. Add a pair of crazy eyes; bug out both, or squeeze one shut for a glare that’s sure to stop them in their tracks. But don’t stop there. Flare your nostrils. Furrow your brow. Bare your teeth and gums. Loll out your tongue, shake your head, and let the drool fly. Your facial expression will send your message loud and clear: I’ve got ugly on my side, so now you’re the one in trouble!

  Psst! Allow your pimples to thrive. Those little pus-filled bumps are wellsprings of power! Pass it on!

  In conclusion, I’d like to leave you with one final word: BOO! My point? Ugly alone is strong. Ugly plus a good scare word bellowed in the face of an attacker is unstoppable. Don’t worry if you haven’t found your special word yet. Get ugly, and it will come to you.

  Psst! Not sure if you’re ready to go full-on ugly? Test-drive looks with unglamorous glamours! Pass it on!

  Glamours are magical disguises that hide the true identity of a thing or person. Just thought you should know.—Sadie

  Thoth is much more than just the god of wisdom. He invented writing, too, and came up with the idea for the House of Life. He’s so in tune with the ibis that he appears with that bird’s head when he’s in god form. And don’t even get me started on his special relationship with baboons…

  Match the term from column A with a term from column B:

  A

  Djehuti

  Leechcraft

  Per Ankh

  Sem priests

  Memphis

  Sphere of green gas

  Barbecue sauce

  Thoth’s work in progress

  Scribes

  B

  A Short Treatise on the Evolution of Yaks

  Tennessee and Egypt

  The form Thoth sometimes takes in the Duat

  A known staining agent

  Ordinary magicians

  Thoth’s actual

  Egyptian name

  Top-level magicians

  The House of Life

  Not an area of study at the University of Memphis

  Answers:

  Djehuti: Thoth’s actual Egyptian name. “Thoth” came from the Greeks.

  Leechcraft: Not an area of study at the University of Memphis. Neither is astrology, apparently.

  Per Ankh: The House of Life.

  Sem priests: Top-level magicians. Also, leaders of the 360 Nomes of the House of Life.

  Memphis: Tennessee and Egypt. The US city is named after the one on Egypt. Or is it the other way around?

  Sphere of green gas: The form Thoth sometimes takes in the Duat. Why? Because he’s a little cray-cray, I think.

  Barbecue sauce: A known staining agent. Also, delicious when applied to slow-roasted meat.

  Thoth’s work in progress: A Short Treatise on the Evolution of Yaks. Because…why?

  Scribes: Ordinary magicians. Ordinary? I think not.

  I suppose I should have noticed the lab coat sooner. In my defense, the coatrack in the Brooklyn House library had a sizable collection of hoodies, sweatshirts, and jackets left behind by our trainees. The grungy-looking lab jacket just blended in…until it didn’t.

  It’s kind of a funny story how I found it, actually. I was dusting the scrolls in the library and thinking about the Book of Thoth—where it might be hidden, how I might get my hands on it, and what secret information about the deities it might contain. In fact, I was on the verge of commanding a retrieval shabti to find the book for me when a puff of dust hit my nose. I sneezed and…Okay, I admit it: I didn’t cover my nose. Boogers flew out.

  That would have been the end of it, except my boogers landed on the lab coat and the word gesundheit lit up on the sleeve.

  Now, I don’t know about you—though as a follower of Thoth, I’d like to know about you, because I like to know about everything—but the sudden appearance of that German word intrigued me. I stopped dusting and observed the coat from a safe distance.

  After a few moments, the gesundheit faded. The coat exhibited no further signs of illumination, but my Thoth senses were tingling. So, as an experiment, I inhaled some more dust and carefully sneezed on the coat again. This time, the words Bless you and Agh (Baboonese for “good health”) flashed like neon signs. Also, for some strange reason, the hieroglyphs for the god Shu.

  My heart beat faster. Clearly, this was no ordinary barbecue-sauce-stained lab coat. I had a theory about who it belonged to, which I immediately put to the test.

  “Fetch me the lab coat of the god Thoth!” I ordered the nearest retrieval shabti. The shabti came to life and hopped off its pedestal. It tossed the recently sneezed-upon garment to me, then surreptitiously wiped off its clay hand on its clay leg and solidified back on its post.

  So, there I was, holding the coat worn by my patron god when he was in mortal form. Since I was the only one at Brooklyn House following the path of Thoth, I logically concluded it was a gift from him to me. With great reverence, I put it on and buttoned it up.

  In hindsight, that wasn’t a smart move. I’d barely fastened the last button when—fwush!—the coat lit up like the streets of Rio during Carnivale. It was as if the material had been storing data for months and couldn’t wait to let it out. Words and hieroglyphs and numbers and symbols sparkled and glowed in dizzying hues of red, orange, blue, green, gold, purple, and silver. I understood then why Thoth’s eyes were swirling kaleidoscopes. My own felt like they were spinning out of my head as I plunged into the flashing, tie-dyed sea of information.

  Somehow, I maintained control and swam joyfully in that sea. But then the words and symbols started coming faster. They crashed over me like mounting waves, brighter and more complex, in every tongue imaginable and some unimagined. They flooded my senses. Overpowered, I stopped swimming and started drowning.

  I struggled to take off the coat. The buttons wouldn’t yield. My heart raced and my breathing shallowed. Then I couldn’t breathe at all.

  Suddenly, a tiny voice spoke in my ear. “Hey, come on. Relax, will you? Find your happy place before your head, like, literally explodes.”

  I didn’t recognize the voice. But when I heard it, I remembered a story Sadie had told me, about how Carter had helped her change back from kite (the bird, not the flying toy) to human form by focusing on what was important in her life. You see, Carter? I do give you credit sometimes.—Sadie I squeezed my eyes shut and thought about my favorite beach, an isolated spit of sand on Ilha do Governador off the coast of my beloved Rio.

  “Endless ocean,” I murmured, envisioning the words as I spoke them to increase their power. “Waves washing over hot sand. The spray of the sea—”

  Droplets of moisture hit my face. My eyes flew open. I tasted salt on my lips. Sea salt. I glanced at the lab coat. The fabric was blank except for the words I had uttered. The letters, blue-green tipped with white, spritzed seawater and sprinkled fine white sand onto the floor.

  “Nossa,” I breathed in my native Portuguese. And it was cool, except for the mess it was making. The coat didn’t unleash another flurry of words, thankfully, so I eased myself out of it. The spritzing and sprinkling ceased. I hung the coat on a hook, then headed out of the library in search of an animated mop and broom to clean up the puddles and sand piles. />
  When I reached the Great Room, I spotted Carter, Walt, and Sadie huddled together at the foot of Thoth’s statue. They were deep in conversation, so I held off on telling them what had happened. Instead, I gathered my cleaning supplies and returned to the library to tidy up.

  But to my puzzlement, the puddles had vanished. Where the seawater went, I don’t know. And if you think not knowing doesn’t bother me, you’re probably not a good candidate for following Thoth’s path.

  As for Thoth’s coat, I’ve stowed it in a secure place in the Duat. Maybe someday I’ll be ready for that amount of magic. For now, though, I’ll stick to scrolls.

  THERE I AM, MUCKING AROUND IN THE LIBRARY GIRL’S HEAD FOR INFO ON THE BOOK OF THOTH, WHEN BOOM, HER BRAIN GOES INTO MAGIC OVERLOAD. SINCE I THOUGHT I MIGHT NEED THAT RESOURCE, I SNAP HER OUT OF IT WITH A LITTLE WHISPERED SUGGESTION.

  TURNS OUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW DIDDLY ABOUT THE BOOK. BUT IT’S NOT A TOTAL WASHOUT, BECAUSE SHE’S GIVEN ME SOMETHING I NEED FOR MY SPELL. I HELP MYSELF AND EXIT, STAGE RIGHT.—SETNE

  Sadie will tell you that I’m the last one to critique anyone’s fashion sense…but come on, what is up with those two palm fronds Neith wears in her hair?

  Circle the correct answer:

  1. Neith is the goddess of a) hunting; b) weaving; c) bees; d) all of the above.

  2. Neith’s favorite weapons are a) macramé net traps; b) bow and arrows; c) time manipulation; d) all of the above.

  3. Neith is obsessed with a) pockets; b) conspiracy theories; c) Jelly Babies; d) all of the above.

  4. Neith will agree not to hunt you if you a) ask her nicely; b) offer her all your pockets; c) win at Rock, Papyrus, Scissors; d) none of the above.

  Answers:

  1. d: She is rather busy.

  2. d: She is rather good at what she does.

  3. d: She is rather crazy.

  4. d: She is rather relentless. Advice: Steer clear of her unless you are with a partner and you both have shen amulets!

  Announcing Brooklyn House’s First Ever HOWL AT THE MOON Game Night

  WE’RE turning the Great Room into a Great Game Room! We’ll play the games our ancestors played and make up our own rules if the real ones have been lost to the ages. We’ve got some great Brooklyn House originals, too, created by our very own trainees. It’s guaranteed fun with the added bonus of teaching you skills that could keep Khonsu the moon god from stealing your ren someday! So, come howl at him with us! Snacks provided!

  SENET: This classic board game of sticks, chance, and teamwork must have been a favorite, for it has been found in tombs and artwork throughout ancient Egypt. Place your bets, throw the sticks, and move your game pieces through the S-curve. If you get your tokens “home” before your opponents, you win! And yes, betting is required. Here at the Twenty-First Nome we play for custom-made amulets, courtesy of our expert sau, Walt Stone.

  DOGS AND JACKALS: This exciting peg board game is also known as the Game of Fifty-Eight Holes, because the board has fifty-eight holes. Two sides of twenty-nine each, to be exact. One player gets five dog-headed pegs, and the other gets five jackal-headed pegs. Roll a five to put a peg in play. (We use a die, but in ancient times, coins or sticks were likely used.) Get all five on the board and then hope for high rolls, because first one to get all five pegs to the end wins!

  MEHEN: Yet another board game, but with a twist—a snaky twist, that is! The board is a slab of sandstone carved in the shape of a segmented, coiled serpent. The original game tokens have been lost, so we’ve borrowed some from a Monopoly game. The rules have been lost, too, so we made up our own. To play, you need an even number of teams. Half start their tokens by the serpent’s head. The others start at the tail. Dice rolls determine how many segments you can move your piece. If pieces meet face-to-face, they have to wait until another token from their side catches up so they can “overpower” their opponents together! First team to get all the tokens to the opposite end of the coil wins.

  SHABTI CHARIOT CRASH: Everyone assumes the Greeks and Romans were the first charioteers, but archeological evidence shows that the Egyptians used these two-wheeled wonders centuries earlier. This race—more of a melee, really—starts with chariot construction, using common household items such as toilet paper tubes, Popsicle sticks, and empty Friskies cans. Then it’s shabti-shaping time! Bring your own wax lumps (we’ll have some on hand if you need extra) to form one horse and one driver. The first chariot to complete three laps around Thoth’s statue wins. Crashing is encouraged, because it’s more fun! Well, for spectators, anyway. Not sure how the shabti feel about it.

  DUNG-BALL RACE: Every bit as disgusting as it sounds! Wind-up scarabs roll balls of dung, imported directly from Egypt, around a miniature racetrack. Winner take all! (We’ve tried using real scarabs, but they don’t make the journey from Egypt quite as successfully.)

  I hate when there’s a new moon. It makes me think Khonsu has turned his back to me because he’s up to no good.

  Complete the sentences using the words from the list. Note: Not all words will be used!

  Word list:

  Senet moon silver Demon Days clouds crescent moon ren Nut five hot stuff river holidays gamble sheut seven sun cheat Apis Bull time Tefnut sun disk

  1. Khonsu is the god of the ___________. His eyes are ________ and he wears an amulet in the shape of a ___________.

  2. He once played ___________ with ___________ so she could earn extra days to give birth.

  3. She won and earned ___________ days. These are called the ___________.

  4. Khonsu would love to ___________ for your ___________.

  5. He thinks he’s ___________ but I think he’s the hindquarters of an ___________.

  Answers:

  1. Moon. Silver. Crescent moon.

  2. Senet. Nut.

  3. Five. Demon Days.

  4. Gamble (we would also have accepted cheat). Ren.

  5. Hot stuff. Apis Bull.

  EGYPTIAN magic uses words to channel the power of the gods. So you have to be careful about what you say and write. Usually, we’re on top of that here at Brooklyn House. But somehow, this notice made it past us and onto the bulletin board in the training room. We all signed up, too, which means we all read it. And yet none of us picked up on the problem.

  SIGN UP FOR TARGET PRACTICE!

  Training Room, Monday Night, Seven O’Clock Sharp

  1. Jaz

  2. Sean

  3. Carter

  4. Leonid

  5. Sadie

  6. Walt

  7. Julian

  8. Alyssa

  9. Zia

  10. Shelby

  11. Cleo

  If you don’t see it either, ask yourself this: what, exactly, is target practice? Do you shoot arrows or other projectiles at targets? Or are you practicing to be the target?

  The wording is troubling, to be sure. But what’s even more troubling is we’re not 100 percent sure who posted the sign-up sheet in the first place. No one here is following the path of Neith, who seems the most likely deity to play a trick on us involving targets. According to Doughboy, whom I volunteered for surveillance, no one showed up for the practice. So, for now, it remains a mystery. But no worries. We’ll figure out who did it, even if it means borrowing the Feather of Truth from Dad.

  AH, WELL. MY ATTEMPT TO GET THEM ALL IN THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME SO I COULD ERADICATE THEM ALL AT ONCE DIDN’T WORK OUT. BUT HEY, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT. GET IT? “A SHOT”? I SWEAR, SOMEONE SHOULD BE WRITING THIS DOWN.—SETNE

  I can’t play Scrabble with Sadie anymore. Ever since she met the creator god Ptah in that underground tomb in Bahariya, she has been making up words and passing them off as his. “You’re only challenging ixyzqt because it falls on a triple word score!” she insisted last time—the last time—we played.

  True or False?

  1. Ptah rocks the skinny beard.

  True False

  2. Ptah can open multiple portals per person.

 
True False

  3. Ptah’s hieroglyph symbol is a wad of spit.

  True False

  4. Ptah’s favorite curse word is Rats!

  True False

  5. As a creator god, Ptah can create new things with a snap of his fingers.

  True False

  Answers:

  1. True. Not many gods can wear pencil-thin chin hair, but he pulls it off.

  2. False. One per customer only.

  3. False. His symbol is the was, meaning power. His name does sound like someone spitting, though.

  4. Mm, maybe true. He’s been known to send hordes of rats on chewing and clawing rampages.

  5. False. He creates by speaking words, which turn into objects. How else do you think the first banana or flamingo was made?

  NOBODY believes there’s a god of ice. But guess what? I just found that out the Nile froze twice—once in the year 829 CE, and again in 1010 CE. So, it could have happened in more ancient times too, right? And if the Nile did freeze in olden days, then obviously a god had something to do with it, because deities were connected to all the important nature stuff: floods, earthquakes, death, sunshine, bugs that rolled poop into balls. Which means there could be an Egyptian god of ice!

  I know what you’re thinking: But Felix, no one’s ever heard of an Egyptian ice deity! Sure, there’s no record of my ice guy, but he could still be real. There’s tons of deities no one remembers or ever heard of. You know the name of the Egyptian sea god, for instance? Me neither, but I bet there is one, because Egypt runs smack into two seas, the Mediterranean and the Red.