Brooklyn House Magician's Manual Read online

  Answer:

  1. d: Ra is one busy deity! We’d also accept a write-in answer of “god of Ma’at, order in the universe.”

  2. c: Though worshipped the world over, Elvis is not, technically, a god. Khepri is Ra’s aspect in the morning. Khnum is his aspect at sunset. Amun-Ra is just a fancy way of saying Ra.

  3. c: I can see ram—head-butting power and all that. But scarab, a beetle that rolls its own poop into a ball? Really?

  4. b: The limo belongs to Bes, who you’ll learn about later. The sun chariot belongs to a different sun god with connections on Long Island. As for the farting camel…you do not want to know.

  5. a: We’re talking old old, though he was looking a bit healthier when we last saw him. The baboon is called Babi, and the blue giant, whom we sincerely hope still has his loincloth, is Hapi, a minor god of the Nile.

  6. b: I know, I wanted the answer to be c, too.

  7. a: He’s pretty good at gnawing and flailing, to be honest. Actually, I don’t know if he has sau abilities.

  8. b: A netjeri is a black blade made from meteoric iron. We’d also accept d, though we hope this “death” is something you never witness, because it is freaky beyond compare.

  ALL right, Zia, just speak into this—

  Heqat! Whack!

  Ooohhh. Thud.

  Whoops. Carter?

  Well, he’s unconscious. Let me just…

  [Sound of a body being dragged across a floor. Murmurs. Footsteps approaching.]

  Thanks, Jaz, I’ll come check on him in a minute! Shoot, is this thing still recording?

  Um, hi. Zia here. Let me explain what just happened. Carter shoved something in my face. I thought he was attacking, and instinct took over. I summoned my staff and swung and…well, Jaz, our expert rekhet, or healer, is tending his head wound. Turns out the thing he shoved at me was this microphone.

  So, anyway…Carter suggested I record my story rather than write it down. Apparently, my spoken words are easier to transcribe than my written hieroglyphs. I offered to use the more pedestrian hieratic or even—shudder—the lowly demotic script. He pointed out that recording would save papyrus. Point taken.

  He also suggested it would be helpful if I “spilled my guts.” That is not going to happen. Gut-spilling is disgusting. I should know. I was recently involved in one, courtesy of Apophis, the exploding serpent of Chaos. I do not recommend it.

  Besides, it will be more helpful if I tell you about the birth of existence.

  At the beginning there was a great magical swirl of monumental nothingness: the Sea of Chaos, sometimes known as Isfet. From Isfet came Ma’at, the force of order and creation born from madness and destruction. Isfet and Ma’at were in perfect balance and perfect opposition to one another. Like two sides of the same coin, one could not exist without the other.

  In time, two gods emerged. Apophis squirmed out of the Sea of Chaos and slithered to the darkest depths of the abyss, where he writhed in constant fury and hate. And from Ma’at rose Ra, the god of the sun.

  Ra’s warmth and light spread outward through Ma’at, probing the empty space that surrounded him. But his warmth and light touched nothing and no one. Ra was alone.

  Tradition says that’s when he created Shu and Tefnut—brother and sister, husband and wife, wind and rain. But I know better, because Ra and I were once connected. Being his host gave me the opportunity to see creation through his memories. I felt him pull back his warmth and light from the void and search inward for companionship instead. So, I can attest that before Shu and Tefnut came Khepri and Khnum—sunrise and sunset—born out of his loneliness.

  The three were inseparable yet separate. Khepri rejuvenated Ra each dawn, then sent him on his way across the daytime sky. Khnum met him each evening at the end of his trip, then bade him farewell as Ra began his nightly journey through the Duat.

  Ra’s loneliness was lessened by their presence, but not erased completely. He burned to share Ma’at with others. Others who were different from him, and who could bring complexity to his existence, not just reflect back the sameness of his own world.

  That’s when he created Shu and Tefnut. They gave birth to Geb and Nut, and in time, others followed: gods and goddesses, demons and beasts. Humans. Plants. Beetles who roll their own poop into balls. And the rest, as they say, is mythology.

  Why did I choose this story out of all those about Ra? Because it speaks to the path of the gods. Ra chose me as his host in part because I am a powerful fire elementalist. But our bond went deeper than that. When I was a child, my family was torn from me. I was alone as Ra once was. My loneliness, Ra’s loneliness…our shared feeling connected us and together, we were strong.

  Okay, I’m done now. Is this the right button to turn this thing—

  I ’ve been meaning to ask Zia about Ra’s connection to the part of the soul called the sheut, shadow. (The other four parts are ba, personality; ka, life force; ren, secret name; and ib, heart.) Are sheuts made by Ra’s sunlight more, er, soulful than those made by, say, light from a torch—a flashlight, as you Americans call it? And I have a part two to ask: Does Ra have a sheut, and if so, how does the god of the sun cast his own shadow?—Sadie

  Tefnut’s husband, Shu, the god of the air, appears in our world as a whirlwind of trash and debris. So what would Tefnut manifest herself as—a puddle or a drain spout or an umbrella, maybe?

  Fill in the blanks:

  1. Tefnut is the goddess of Who knows? I’ve never even heard of her!

  The correct answer is rain and moisture.

  2. Tefnut is the sister of Is it Shu? No, wait, it can’t be, because Shu is Teflon’s husband.

  The correct answer is Shu, who is both her brother and her husband. And her name is Tefnut, not Teflon.

  Okay, can you blame me for not wanting this to be the answer? I mean, Carter is my brother, so… ew.—Sadie

  3. Tefnut is the mother of a farting camel.

  The correct answer is Geb and Nut, neither of whom is a camel, though they might fart for all we know.

  4. Tefnut has the appearance of I’m going to go ahead and refer you to my answer to question #1 here.

  The correct answer is a lion-headed goddess, which we agree is an odd look for the goddess of rain and moisture.

  5. Her magical specialty is being the deity no one knows about. Seriously, why is she even included in this book?

  The correct answer is water elementalism. At least we assume it is. We’ve never actually seen her in action. We’ve included her in this book because she is a member of the first family of deities.

  True or False?

  1. Shu is the god of wind and air.

  True False

  2. Shu couldn’t wait to become a grandfather.

  True False

  3. Shu wears a falcon feather.

  True False

  Answers:

  1. True. He also whips up a mean dust devil.

  2. False. On Ra’s orders, Shu used his wind power to blow apart his kids, Geb and Nut, so they couldn’t conceive their own children. The tactic failed. Result: Isis, Osiris, Set, and Nephthys. Plus someone called Horus the Elder, who must have taken a back seat to Horus the Warrior, because we never hear about him.

  3. False. Shu wears an ostrich feather, which probably blew in from another region of Africa.

  SHU is born when Ra sneezed, I hear. I think for this reason I am glad that I do not ever host Shu. He would maybe turn my brain to sticky. I say nyet to that.

  Tefnut would be no fun, too. She is from spit of Ra.

  I think sometimes it is a strange thing, this magic of Egypt.

  I have no clue where Leonid got this information. But I’m sure it was very good, very reliable, probably the best source ever, not fake mythology like you’d get from other sources.—Sadie

  My student Alyssa and I insisted that these two share a quiz. After being apart for millennia, it only seemed fair.

  —Sadie

  Match the terms to the d
eities:

  1. “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”

  Geb Nut

  2. Sandbox

  Geb Nut

  3. Downward dog

  Geb Nut

  4. Eluded magicians

  Geb Nut

  5. Earthquakes

  Geb Nut

  6. Won five extra days

  Geb Nut

  7. Glow-in-the-dark stick-on galaxies

  Geb Nut

  8. Dirt cake

  Geb Nut

  9. Cursed by Ra

  Geb Nut

  Answers:

  1. Nut: She’s the goddess of the starry sky.

  2. Geb: God of the earth, including sand

  3. Nut: She’s usually portrayed in this type of position, arched over those below her.

  4. Nut: The sky proved too immense for magicians to capture.

  5. Geb: Earth god = earthquakes

  6. Nut: According to myth, Ra didn’t want her to have kids. He cursed her so she couldn’t give birth on any of the days of the year. Nut gambled with Khonsu, the moon god and god of time, for extra days. She won.

  7. Nut: Followers of her path love these things!

  8. Geb: Followers of his path love this dessert—crushed-up Oreos mixed with chocolate pudding and studded with gummy worms, all put in a plastic sand pail. Delish!

  9. Geb and Nut: Yet another failed attempt by Ra to keep them from having kids. See Shu entry.

  The gods tend to repeat their history. Way back when—like, way, way back—Set, the god of evil, trapped his brother Osiris in a coffin. Why? Because he’s the god of evil. A few years ago, he sprang the same trap again, only this time he captured Osiris and his human host in the prison. If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll know who that host was. If not… take the quiz and you’ll find out.

  Circle the correct answer:

  1. Osiris is a) hosted by Julius Kane; b) blue, as in the color, though possibly mood as well; c) the god of the Underworld; d) all of the above.

  2. Osiris is the father of a) Shezmu; b) Disturber; c) Ammit; d) Horus.

  3. The symbol of Osiris is the a) was; b) sahlab; c) djed; d) bennu.

  4. His primary residence is a) Sunny Acres Assisted-Living Community; b) the Land of Demons; c) a golden sarcophagus; d) the Seventh House of the River of Night in the Land of the Dead.

  5. His primary workplace is a) Sunny Acres Assisted-Living Community; b) the Hall of Judgment; c) a papyrus-making factory; d) the British Museum.

  6. His favorite mortal child is a) Sadie; b) Sadie; c) Sadie; d) all of the above.

  Answers:

  1. d: Yeah, that’s our dad, all right. Long ago, Osiris was banished deep in the Duat with the other gods. Dad released him, and Osiris took him as his host. Due to circumstances beyond their control, that became a permanent gig. So technically, our dad is both Osiris and Julius Kane.

  2. d: Shezmu is a demon god of the River of Night. Disturber is a minor Underworld god and Dad’s right-hand man. Ammit is a monster that dines on the hearts of the unworthy dead and yet somehow is still adorable.

  3. c: The was is a symbol of power. Sahlab is a hot beverage consumed in Egypt. The djed is the symbol of strength, stability, and the rebirth of Osiris. A bennu is a phoenix.

  4. d: Sunny Acres is a retirement community run by our dear friend and hippo goddess, Tawaret. The Land of Demons is…well, that should be obvious. We would also have accepted c, because Osiris did once reside in a golden sarcophagus. But it was only temporary, and we try not to talk about it.

  5. b: Is there such a thing as a papyrus-making factory?

  6. d: Grrr, Sadie! This question wasn’t in the original quiz! —Sadie

  AS the god of the Underworld, Dad—or Osiris, if you insist on formalities—decides whether the deceased deserve to spend eternity in Aaru (paradise) or have their hearts devoured (not paradise). It’s an important job, but I bet it gets a little tedious. So, brilliant girl that I am, I thought, Why not give the procedure a little bounce by modeling it on a reality courtroom television program? You know the ones: Judge Somebody-or-other strides in, all puffed up, black robes sweeping the floor, and listens to one dodgy individual accuse another dodgy individual of perpetrating a crime against him. After some shouting, aggressive finger-pointing, and Sobek—er, crocodile tears, the judge mocks both parties and then offers up a binding and legal decision on who was in the wrong. Great stuff. You can see what I mean the next time you’re off sick from school.

  In the meantime, check out this sample episode of In the Hall (working title) I sent to Dad.

  In the Hall

  [Dramatic theme music and title sequence: a montage of close-ups of Dad, Ammit, some unsavory-looking people, and the Feather of Truth]

  SCENE: The Hall of Judgment. An empty throne sits on a golden dais. To the right is a set of scales. To the left lolls Ammit, the adorable crocodile-lion-hippopotamus mash-up who devours the hearts of unworthy souls. A handful of spectral spectators sit in the courtroom. Cameo by Mum if she wants!

  VOICEOVER: Welcome to the Hall of Judgment. The case you are about to witness is real. The plaintiff and the defendant are dead, but their grievances live on. The judgment for or against is final.

  [Dramatic theme music]

  SCENE: Enter Disturber, a decrepit-looking blue-skinned minor god of the Underworld with a truly hideous Egyptian-style toupee.

  DISTURBER: All rise for the honorable Judge Osiris!

  SCENE: Dad walks in looking regal in his full Osiris kit—linen kilt, gold and coral neckbands, sandals, crook and flail in hand—and takes a seat on the throne.

  OSIRIS: Right. What’s first on the docket?

  DISTURBER: Wrongful death suit.

  [Dramatic theme music]

  SCENE: Two ghosts enter. The plaintiff wears an outdated sailor’s uniform. The defendant is dressed in traditional magician’s garb with an amulet for maw, water, around his neck.

  DISTURBER: The English sailor claims the Egyptian magician caused his death in the Bay of Biscay.

  OSIRIS: Bay of Biscay…Why does that sound familiar?

  DISTURBER [clears throat uncomfortably]: Ah, that would be because of Cleopatra’s Needle.

  [Historic theme music]

  VOICEOVER: Cleopatra’s Needle: a gift from the Egyptian government to the people of Great Britain. On September 8, 1877, the immense red granite obelisk was loaded inside a specially constructed iron cylinder. A British ship, the Olga, towed it from the port of Alexandria across the Mediterranean Sea to the Bay of Biscay where, on October 14, a storm halted its journey. Mammoth waves battered the cylinder, threatening to sink it. Six members of the Olga’s crew—including the plaintiff—perished trying to save the obelisk. The cylinder was finally cut from its tether and presumed lost at sea. Amazingly, it was discovered four days later floating off the coast of Spain, its precious cargo still inside. After months of delay, the cylinder was towed to London. The obelisk was finally erected on the banks of the Thames on September 12, 1878.

  [Dramatic theme music]

  OSIRIS: Hello, sailor. State your case.

  SAILOR: Well, I was doin’ me job, wasn’t I? Trying to save that iron cigar what had the stone monument innit, when out of nowhere comes this bloke. [jabs finger toward the Egyptian magician] I turns to me mates and says, “Who’s this, then?” No answer, because before you can say Bob’s your uncle, the daft Egyptian waves his stick, and the cylinder heaves us into the drink!

  OSIRIS: And what happened to you next?

  SAILOR: Thrashed about a bit then drowned, didn’t I?

  OSIRIS: Ah, yes, of course. Magician, what have you to say?

  MAGICIAN: I am the descendant of the pharaoh Ramesses II. That obelisk is carved with inscriptions honoring his victories. I—

  SAILOR: Blimey! Get him: descendant of the pharaoh. Like he’s all that and a bag of chips.

  [Smattering of laughter from the courtroom]

  MAGICIAN [glowering at the sailor]: The obelisk was
my gateway to the god Horus, whom the Great Ramesses once hosted. I lived in its shadow for years, drawing on its power.

  OSIRIS: Its shadow? Forgive me, but wasn’t the obelisk buried in the sand for centuries before the English dug it out? [More laughter]

  MAGICIAN [now glowering at Osiris]: It was mine! Egypt had no right to give it away.

  OSIRIS [pyramiding fingers]: I see. Judging by your amulet, I’m guessing your magical specialty is water elementalist.

  MAGICIAN: The best that ever lived.

  SAILOR: The best what-ever died, more like.

  [Laughter]

  OSIRIS: Quiet in the court!

  SAILOR: Sorry, guv.

  OSIRIS: So, magician, I presume you went to the bay to retrieve the obelisk.

  MAGICIAN: Yes! And I would have succeeded had I done my magic from land.

  OSIRIS: Ah, but you were forced to go on the open sea. Magic moves with much greater force over flowing water. Away from solid ground, amid the churning waves—you couldn’t handle that much power. You lost control of the cylinder. And men died, including the plaintiff here.

  MAGICIAN: Well, I…er, I don’t know anything about that.

  OSIRIS: Disturber, the Feather of Truth, please.

  MAGICIAN: Okay, fine! Yes, I caused the storm, I lost control, and men died, including the plaintiff.

  SAILOR: Oi! You all heard him! It’s a fair cop! He is not worthy! Eat his heart out, Poochiekins!

  OSIRIS: Silence! I alone give Poochiekins—er, Ammit—the order to devour a heart!

  [Dramatic theme music]

  VOICEOVER: Osiris’s decision…when we return.

  [Commercial break]

  I ask you, is that good drama or what? With an excellent cliff-hanger, I might add.

  And in case you were curious: the Needle is connected to Ramesses II. Six men died during its transport to London. The stuff about descendants of the pharaoh getting a power boost when they’re near the Needle is also true. I know, because I’m descended from Ramesses II on my mother’s side, and I’ve felt that energy. Carter gets a double dose, as Ramesses’s descendent, and because, like Ramesses, he once hosted Horus. As for a magician causing the storm and the sailors’ deaths, there’s no evidence of that. But I wouldn’t be surprised to learn magic had something to do with the tragedy.